Myshkin Thoughts

To Build A Fire

Reading Jack London’s To Build A Fire, I realized many things in my life that freezes me. As many of the stories of Jack London did, by relating the story to my life, I was affected from the heart.

“There was the fire, promising life with every dancing flame.”

To Build a Fire is a short story by Jack London, about a man’s journey under extreme winter conditions in the Yukon. Jack London describes the Man’s journey in detail: the temperature, the mountain, thoughts, and actions. Disregarding the advice of the Old Man, only a dog accompanying him, The Man begins his journey to the camp where the boys are waiting for him. However, because he faces many challenges during his journey, cold and snow, before arriving at the camp, he freezes to death. Beyond the plot, the theme of the story implies that a man versus nature will not survive if he is not a wise man. The Man in the story is not a wise man: he trusts in nothing but himself and his tools; not his instincts, not to the dog, not to the Wise Old Man. The Man only focuses on whether he’ll arrive at camp on time or not, and his ignorance of everything else causes his death.

“He was quick and ready in the things of life, but only in the things, and not in their meanings.”

I like the story very much because I think it has a realistic connection to life. In my opinion, the journey the Man passes through represents the life itself, the fire is things in life we do not give enough care to, like love, and the boys are a man’s goals which makes him ignorant to anything else but the arrival. The man also ignores the meanings of the cold, the dog, and his death. He ignores himself when he doesn’t care about the frosts, the pain, the burns he had on his face and hands. Even while he was dying, he prefers embracing death rather than thinking of what went wrong throughout the journey because ignorance is every man’s eventual escape, from life, love, and death.

It Is All in My Head

For the past few days, I feel like I gave up many things I used to craze about. For example, I have stopped being worried about my roommate’s actions or even other people’s. I also realized my social anxiety and disability to fit in.

I do not fit in. Yes, it seems like a very common problem with many people. When someone says that they do not fit in, we think of them like they try to act cool, but when you experience it things get anxiously weird. For example, today I borrowed a computer from someone and wanted to say only a thank you, it took me half of an hour to start, and when I started, the class was already over so it wouldn’t make any sense if I said thank you. So I said nothing.

The other day, something else happened. I have a teacher who I think as doesn’t fit to his life too. He has a funny manner in the class which I enjoy very much criticizing in my own ways. During the class, I try to find out how his day goes, looking at his wrinkled clothes for example, I understand that he sleeps late at nights, and wakes up late. I also feel like he is always in a hurry, like a bee. Whatever, my observations about him would be an another topic. Well, that day, because I feel very related to him in some ways, like an old friend you might suppose, I smiled at him while he was explaining a question to me. But I think he misunderstood my honest interest to him and thought like I was making fun of him. God forbid, I hate people who makes fun of others. Well, he believed that I was one of them and felt more anxious during the rest of the class. Now he responses more bitter to me. I should not care, which I do not, but why am I this ignorant?

The teacher is not alone in this. When I meet someone, after few minutes, I feel like I know them for years. Why do I?

Maybe I have a socializing problem. But this weirdness goes not even only for people, my thoughts are getting weird too. I think things I never want to think. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish them with real life. I feel like I made my life up, even for opinions for myself.

And it is all in my head.

Crazy Vibes: Cleveland Trip with Thirty 8th Graders

Today I went to a trip, a trip with total number of thirty 8th graders. 8th graders are very interesting in being at beginning of teenage years. I am having very strange times.

The trip is from Chicago to New Jersey, yet in our first night we rest in Cleveland. The place we stay is the one of the most weird places I did spend the night which I am counting the the dorm turned from mortuary to a school. It was like a nightmare; I still remember the constant smell. However, this place doesn’t smell that bad it just makes me itch. In the sum, the problem isn’t the place. It is the kids I am having trouble with.

So if you ask me why I am here, because I am the mentor of the students. And well, for sure, if you ask me what the problematic thing is, I will say hmm… many things. Yes, many things are weird. These kids are too hard to handle! When I am soft and nice to them they start over reacting to rules. They will not listen nor behave. Ad when I go harsh with them, then they go all enemiesh. I heard two girls gossiping about me just because I told them to go to sleep.

And they have their own problems. One girl asked me if I called her stupid just because I told them that after 12AM it is hard to interpret. (which wasn’t even my idea, it was her friend’s idea, I was just agreeing to be polite). In that situations when you understand the kid has her own problems with you, man, just do not try that kid because things will get dirty. They are very talented in standing innocent.

Well, I hope the next days will be better. Now I need to sleep. Bye!

Being a Star of Dust

There are times in our lives where we feel nothing towards anything. Even the most feverish things we have about will disappear, leaving its place to disability of wanting. Then we become more empty but also exist, like a star of dust.

In those times of questioning, we desire to be nothing. Besides, energy overcomes over our existence. Later, we forget about stars, emptiness, and questions; instead, we began confusing not about life, but about the contents of it. Our jobs, kids, dreams, relationships… anything. But, one day without any trace, we again start asking questions. The cycle then begins. Energy disperses.

When you think of it deeper, life turns into something tiresome. Something more dust than a star.

Cooking Trouble

I have never liked cooking. For me, cutting potatoes, oiling salads, and even preparing desserts are very troubling tasks: not because I think they are hard tasks in particular but I think of cooking as an unnecessary thing. When preparing a meal takes about two hours, eating it is only half of an hour. Therefore, when I cook, I feel like I am wasting my time.

The reason why I feel like cooking is a waste of time probably is my mom. My mother was a teacher and she worked sometimes more than 40 hours per week. I remember she coming from work at like 9 PM and starting cooking even before changing her clothes. My child self would empathize with its mother and fall into terrible sadness. Because she came late all the time, my siblings and I were always hungry. Imagine that you are a kid and you are sorry for being hungry. Consequently now I am a person who doesn’t like being cooked or cooking food.

However, some people enjoy cooking. Well, I don’t enjoy it but it doesn’t mean I don’t cook well. I lived in a house with 5 siblings and a dad who is obsessed with nice cooked food. My mother never forced me, okay sometimes she did, and I wasn’t the perfect mechanism in the kitchen; so I stayed away from the detailed parts. Yet, I learned it anyhow. While chatting with my mother or making the salad. Did I like learning it though? Ah, that’s an another story.

Sometimes I wish we never had to eat. It’s not that because I hate nice food. No, of course, I love eating. But kitchen man… is a nightmare to me.

Recent what I Do Hate

Today 4.14.2019 was like a hater day or something. I got to see almost everyone I hate and I cope behavioral problems of people.

I can start with my roommate, I believe. So, in general she and I had our nice ways together. I’d give her time in the room and she’d give time to me. We would talk, laugh, and sometimes even gossip about things we hate (I hate gossip though). However, everything started when my roommate, let’s call her Bah, got a new job. So, last year she was babysitting to this nice business family’s kids. This year she didn’t work and she had another babysitting job. Every day you could have heard from her was that how she wanted money and a car. (yes we don’t have cars) So in her new job, the boss gave Bah a car and very good pay. I was too happy for her and everything; until she began acting weirdly cold. I have no idea why she does that but I hate it. I feel like she does not want to share her happiness with anyone: come on that is a stubborn behavior. I am not going to eat your job or car Bah, calm down. And you are not cool anymore. I think you act very immature. Man she doesn’t even sleep in her bed now, she goes to the other room. What have I done? I did not do anything. Well, maybe something.

My life story is very confusing so I’ll just cut it short. My family lives in Germany and I live in the US. Because I don’t have any green card or citizenship, I couldn’t visit my family for two years nor and it seems like I have to wait for an another year. Therefore, I get dramatized when someone talks about family, Germany or anything related. The day after Bah got the car, she began complaining me about (she complains a lot) how she doesn’t want to meet her friends. I asked why will she then. She said the meeting was for German immigrant families and this summer they had to (yes she said this like someone was forcing her) go to Germany. She was like “We are going to get sponsorship but I don’t want that” my insight was like “who wouldn’t want to go to Europe for free, God damn”. I threw her my “are you stupid?” face. Then I went dramatic because I remembered that I missed my family. Man, it was too uncomfortable. There are people who you should show your emotions and people who you should not. Bah is one of should not’s. I believe these two things I did did also remarked her coldness. But man, I was right. Her idea was stupid, paying a thousand dollars for no reason? And it is very normal of me to get emotional. Hell yeah, I am a cancer horoscope.

Whatever.

I’ll talk about other things I hate tomorrow because I am tired and will wake up early.

An Andalusian Dog: Insights for a Poetic Movie

An Andalusian Dog, a women being cut by eye (1)

An Andalusian Dog is a surrealist movie by Luis Buñuel. The movie in particular is 16-17 minutes and has 2 main actors a man and a woman. There are also other characters show up in some scenes.

I watched this movie for first time in the class. When the instructor asked for class’s opinion, people in general did not want to participate, even myself. Thoughts were about how weird the movie was or how it didn’t make any sense. Yes, there are more than one plot; but I think, the movie makes lots of sense.

The postman brings man clothes and the women dreams of a real man. The box of love

An Andalusian Dog starts with a man shaping a razor. He seems very calm and cold, then he goes and cuts the woman’s eye with it. (image 1) The other objects of the movie have meanings in deeper.

Things get weirder in the other plots. There are various symbols for human evil: the man enjoys the death of morals and also characterized with licentious actions. When the man wants to catch the woman, she refuses. The carriage he puts on his shoulder, I think, shows the brilliance of the movie maker. There are two pianos, two cows cut by eyes, and two religious man hanged with ropes the man pulls.

Related image — The man pulling the ropes

Next scene, the postman appears again. He is lying on the bed as in a mood of realizing something. A nice clothed man comes and scolds him. He throws his “postman” materials to outside and punishes him: the post man turns into the licentious man. He, then, kills the good looking man with guns transformed from art books. But, who are those men? Postman, licentious man, and the good appeared man are all the same man symbolizing the unconscious characters of a man.

Morally Good Rational Man (Consciousness)

Licentious Irrational Man (Unconsciousness)

A scene of the good moral man’s death, in the means of his suicide

The moral man died, which was the real himself. He apparently killed himself. In the end, I understood that the man and woman were having an affair. The man kills himself and has nothing to give to the woman. Therefore, woman goes to someone else, for a happier life, probably her husband.

Image result for andalusian dog actors — The fly of death

The man becomes insensitive, looking at the woman like a ghost

In the end, we all die. Women’s apologize was accepted and they jump over from the broken love box.

The End

In the end, everyone dies… Don’t we? There are many other deeper meanings I suppose, I covered this much. It is great to have such meanings in a movie that seems such non-sense. From my pint of view, those make Andalusian Dog movie very poetic and beautiful.

Sleeping to Your Way Out of Human World

Sleeping is some kind of addiction, I believe. We crave for it when we lack it, and more we sleep is more we in the need of it.

I have slept 13 hours today. Yes, I confess. I had some dreams and all, which I don’t remember any. I feel very guilty.

I woke up with the sound of my roommate. She is too loud sometimes. It is very disturbing. When I wanted to eat some breakfast, she followed me. We ate together. But I wanted to eat it alone.

I see that people sometimes, challenge themselves. With what one may ask. I don’t know, you choose it. For example, these days I feel like I am challenging myself with quietness. I want no noise or human-being around me. That is very unfortunate because I’ll have people around me for a long time this week. And I hate that.

Whether I’ll have people around or not, I will not talk to them. It is going to be tough I know. But I feel like when I talk to someone they expect me to say something they want. People I talk to have a desire for changing my words. When I say I like the color blue, they answer oh.. I like red. Well, honey no one asked you so. You answer it because deep inside you want me to be more you. More red.

Another thing I hate about talking to people is they being obsessive enough about keeping the topic positive. People always start the conversations with “hi, how are you” or “whats up”. If I answer with “bad” or “sucks” people tend to not start a long lasting conversations. Even if they do, it is to make themselves feel good about the uncomfortable environment you just created with being not “good” enough. So never forget being good. God forgive, you might have the wrong answer.

People take my energy. They expect a lot. They are too selfish. Too strict. These all are the other reasons why I hate interacting with people. Come on. We are not easy creatures. And our responses are harsh.

Crying at the Park. 4.11.19

Today actually started very well. I woke up happy about life. I did not eat breakfast to not run late. I catched the bus just on time. I went to school, halfway slept in the class, ate the nutrient cookies that I buy every day. Then I went to my second class, our essay drafts were due. The good part with that class is there is someone in there let’s call him Smoothie. So smoothie is a very nice person and smiles every time I look at his face. today smoothie left the class early because apparently he did not do the draft pages. I got upset. So I wrote my non-sense reviews and started to wait for others. When I went out to change my breathing are I saw Smoothie talking to another guy from the class. He was waiting and smiling again. When I walked in to the hall, they both looked at me, smiling. I was kind of shocked but couldn’t hold myself not to smile back.

Well, until then, it seems like I had a normal day. However, everything changed when my sister called me over to her house. She said “Let’s meet and do something” And I said okay. Yes I said okay but was it okay. Throughout this week, I have not slept well and I feel an unstoppable passion for loneliness. I also went to the gym yesterday, and that for your information, do not go to gym two months a time; it hurts. Well, why did I say yes? Hmmmm… Because I am a nice person. My sister has some problems with herself and I don’t want her to drown in to negative ideas. I also wanted to do something, it was too boring this week. Anyways.

Relevance to facts stated above, I went to her house. On the way, I called her if she was there but she said she was not at home, had to do some things at school. I asked how many minutes later will you be home? She said 30 minutes. I said okay I’ll wait at park.

I went to park because her roommates were home. And I hate their pretentious emotions. They are too lazy to do something by themselves and too coward to not do something someone else command them to. And I can’t deal with that. Please.

Oh, forgot… I waited my sister for 1.5 hours in 55 degree. If you ever have any idea what weather conditions we have in Chicago, you’ll understand why I cried of being uncomfortable and angry. I called my sister of course, she mocked me first, said she was coming, then said she was on a line at school, then asked if I can wait more… Man, I have a life and this is absolute disrespectful. Well, I couldn’t take my
temper out of something so I started crying. I cried because going home from there is hard too. Yet, I did go to the train.

I was too mad all the way. Then I fell asleep. Then I came home and ate some food (I was suppose to eat with my sister, so think in that way. You are too hungry and you wait in cold and the person who put you in that position doesn’t even give you a sorry.

Whatever, I am home now trying to adjust myself with normal life. There are some days in my life that changes my thinking for people. Today was one of those days. I hope my sister says sorry because I don’t want to lose my trust over her completely.